Waiting
by JediWraith
Summary: Post ME3 destroy ending. In the aftermath the Reapers' defeat she was left alone with her thoughts, which grew increasingly clear as her recovery progressed. Her battered and broken body still had a long way to go. Her mind didn't have that luxury.


Waiting

Commander Shepard faded in and out of consciousness. The world was an irregular pattern of bright lights interspersed with darkness, muffled sounds, and disembodied noise. Eventually, there were dim glimpses of images- still blurred. Flickers of clarity passed in her hazed mind. Voices, still distant, were heard.

"…barely alive... still lacking…"

"…some improvement… still unknown…"

"…No word… with the relays… some time-"

Shepard opened her eyes.

There was an intense tiredness about her as she peered blearily at something… something. A ceiling. Her mind was still sluggish as if covered in a fog. It felt like she had been sleeping for years.

Maybe she had.

Slowly, she blinked. Images resolved themselves into an Alliance medical room. The distant noise was coming from somewhere nearby. Carefully craning her head, she saw an array of machines to the right of her bed, wires and tubes connecting to her body.

Her mind still dragged as she tried to think. There was movement to the left. Someone was standing to the side, moving-

With a start she jerked slightly as much as her battered body would allow. She reached for the person's wrist, her hand griping with a surprising strength. Her eyes held a sudden clarity.

"The… the…" She gasped out, her voice faint and ragged.

There was a startled cry from the other woman. "What are-"

"…Reapers. The… Reapers…" Shepard held an intense, focused gaze that shook the nurse. Already laboring to breath, the Commander didn't waver in her desperate and focused stare. Her voice was no more than a croak.

There was a pause as the nurse collected herself as much as she could. "… Yes, we fought them. They're defeated now, it's going to be alright. We… won."

It was a moment before Shepard fully understood. Her mind struggled to process the scope of those words, to connect it with those final moments on the Citadel…

Her body's sorry state caught up with her then, her burst of strength fading quickly as her arm went limp. She let her head fall back in the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Everything around her started to fade, any noises or images were blurred.

The Reapers were defeated.

The war was over. They had won. She had completed the mission. Now, finally, it was over.

She faded into unconsciousness.

* * *

Days and weeks passed by as she recovered, just one of many soldiers and civilians alike taken in from the chaos of a ravaged Earth. She was found among debris in orbit after the battle. Her dog tags were damaged enough that no identification was made.

She learned from the doctors that it was a miracle she survived. The damage was extensive, both internally and externally. Her right arm had been all but crushed. She'd be lucky to get full use of it again. Burns marred much of her body including a patch on the left side of her face. There were other injuries too numerous to count. She would always walk with a limp, if she was lucky. In the end it was clear her time on the front lines would be over.

As she grew increasingly alert and conscious, the nurse tending to her asked for a name. Shepard paused, glancing off to the side in thought. The universe had every reason to think she was dead. She probably should have been. "Elizabeth… Alenko." She looked directly at the nurse. "I have a husband in the Alliance. He's on board the Normandy. It was part of the battle for Earth, I need to know what happened to it."

The nurse entered some data into her datapad. She smiled apologetically, "We'll see what we can do. There's still a lot of confusion out there. There was some pretty bad damage to the Mass Relays- among a few other things- so they're still having trouble with communications . It might take some time before we find out anything."

"…The relays were damaged?"

The nurse nodded. "A lot of ships are scattered right now. Some might be stranded, I've heard."

Shepard glanced away. She hadn't thought … It wasn't something she expected when weighing her options for the universe. But then again, she wasn't in the best physical or mental state when it happened.

"Any idea when they'll be up and running again?"

"I really wouldn't know. They're doing their best to fix the relays, I've heard. But I'm sure there's no reason to worry. Once the comm buoys are repaired, I'm sure you'll be able to get in touch."

That didn't sit well with Shepard. "I need to know what happened to the ship and crew. It was part of the battle around Earth, it would have been right around when the Reapers fell."

Part of her military directness must have come through, as the nurse took an unconscious step backwards. "I'll see what I can find out."

"…Thank you." Her voice was softer then, thick with relief.

* * *

Time continued to pass. She was left alone with her thoughts, which grew increasingly clear as her recovery progressed. Her battered and broken body still had a long way to go. Her mind didn't have that luxury.

For hours each day she would pour over the final moments on the Citadel. The Illusive Man and his indoctrination. Anderson's last breath. The impossible choice for the fate of the entire universe, too daunting for any single person to make. And yet she had.

The galaxy was rid of the Reapers once and for all, yet it wasn't without cost. The damage to the Mass Relay network caused serious setbacks in recover efforts, with some ships and supplies left stranded in less populated systems. But life continued doggedly on for the determined inhabitants. She wondered about the term "genocide" and how it applied to her actions. It was a deplorable word that she used against the Illusive Man, championing her value for life. She had fought for the right of living, even if some of those species were a threat.

She felt differently when it came to the Reapers.

It took far too long for her to realize the real cost of her decision. Her nurse would often try to cheer her up in the long hours of staring out the nearby window, lost in her thoughts.

"I heard a great joke yesterday," she began as she looked over the medical equipment. "It was about a Salarian and a Hanar."

Shepard didn't hear the rest. The realization hit her violently and without warning. The color drained from her face, her expression falling.

Synthetic life. The Reapers were destroyed, the damage to the Crucible ensuring that they would be stopped. But the full implication of that was somewhat lost in the moment of utmost importance, her mind already muddled from fatigue and blood loss. She had thought of the Reapers. Then, of the Geth. They were synthetic, yes. But she saw no other choice. The Reapers had to be stopped. She couldn't afford any sense of idealistic morality when so much was at stake.

But she hadn't thought of EDI.

EDI wasn't synthetic, not like the Geth or even Legion. She was… human. She felt, she cared, she joked. She loved.

She felt fear.

EDI was a comrade and friend. She was a valuable member of the crew, to whom Shepard and the rest owed their lives.

But in that moment of making her decision, she only saw the inorganic beings of Reapers and Geth that were to be sentenced to genocide. It was the price she knew had to be paid. The Reapers had to be stopped.

In that moment, she had forgotten EDI wasn't human.

Shepard shut her eyes tightly and, in a rare show of honest weakness, felt tears run down her cheeks.

* * *

The universe was slowly rebuilding. Each day she heard news of the recovery efforts on Earth and improved communications with other systems. She grew increasingly restless as she waited to hear news on the Normandy. There were reports that it was seen leaving the system via Mass Relay in the final moments of the Crucible's burst. She clung to her faith in her crew to know they were alright. If anyone could get them out alive, it was Joker.

To the outside world, Commander Shepard was dead. She died on the Crucible, activating it to defeat the Reapers to save humanity and the rest of civilization. But she didn't feel relief with her mission finally over. She felt… tired.

The feeling never really went away as she recovered. Sleepless nights became more common, with nightmares filled with Reapers and fallen soldiers. She kept up her story as Elizabeth Alenko whenever hospital workers asked questions. She didn't want to attract attention, she just wanted to be left alone.

She didn't want to be Commander Shepard. Not anymore. That person was dead.

But she had to know that the Normandy was safe. She had to know that Kaidan was alright. Maybe… Maybe they even had a future together. It felt like a far off dream, given everything they had been through.

She was still in the latter stages of recovery when she heard the news. The Normandy was caught in the Crucible's wave and stalled on an uninhabited world for minor repairs. All crew accounted for… except for EDI.

Communications were back online for many systems, and the Normandy felt suddenly within reach. Shepard wanted to see Kaidan. She wanted to see all of them, though it could still be some time before that happened. She realized in her endless days of internal solitude and wallowing that she wanted to see her crew. Not wanted… _needed._ She needed to see them. The mission didn't feel over yet. Seeing them… The mission would finally, truly, be completed.

Or maybe she would never feel like it was over. Who knew?

Communication was now possible. She didn't hesitate to have a nurse take her message through official Alliance channels to the Normandy, which was docked at an inhabited world. She never questioned who to send it to. She trusted him in that, trusting that he would share the news with their comrades and no one else. Shepard was dead, giving her life for the greater good.

 _Kaidan,_

 _Come meet me on Earth. I'll be waiting for you, as long as it takes._

 _-Elizabeth_


End file.
